As most of you would know, I competed in my first triathlon on Saturday. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and can't really put into words the high that I felt when I crossed the finish line.
...You see, I achieved something I never thought I would. I've wanted to compete in the Triathlon Pink for a few years, but never had the courage to give it a go. This year, I've shed 10kg, but I've gone through a tough time emotionally. I've had two miscarriages within 6 months, the last being only five and a half weeks ago. When I came out of surgery on the 31st of August, I was sore...sad...and never in my wildest dreams thought that I'd be strong enough to compete in a triathlon.
When I miscarried in February this year, I turned to food, which lead me to gain weight and stand at my heaviest (non pregnant) = 80.7kg. After my miscarriage just over five weeks ago, I've turned to exercise and blogging to cope. I knew I could either deal with my emotions with food (like I always have) and gain all the weight I've worked so hard to shed in the last few months, or stop the vicious cycle of emotional eating.
...and that's what I did.
I no longer search for food if I'm feeling down...I'll go for a walk, do an exercise session in my home-gym or come here and blog.
And that's why I'm here right now. I'm in a funny mood today. I don't feel like doing anything...there is a list of things a mile long that I should be doing but I'm avoiding all of them.
I should be programming for school, I should be doing my units for my graphic design course, I should be cleaning the house, I should prepare dinner as I'm tutoring tonight...but I don't want to do any of it.
Why am I in my funny mood?...
I return to work tomorrow after 7 weeks leave...and I'm s**t scared. I don't want to be asked questions about where I've been and what happened. I haven't been there in so long, and with only working there one day a week, I feel like a fish out of water. I miss the kids like crazy and am so excited to see them, but I'm not looking forward to seeing the staff. I don't want to talk about what happened and I just want to stay home in my protective bubble.
These feelings of anxiety have pulled at my emotional strings. I've found myself in the pantry the last few days and I stare inside at the contents. I've had the little devil on one shoulder saying "eat, eat" and the little angel on the other saying "don't do it, don't do it". I'm pleased to say that I've listened to the angel each time I've found myself inside the pantry but it's funny how my mind is trying to go back to the way I used to deal with things.
The funny thing is, there is quite a bit of 'junk' in the pantry at the moment. Not the usual contents. When I've been looking at all the stuff, it's not appealing. In the past, I would have ripped through it all and wouldn't have stopped for a moment to think what I was doing. Now I analyse...I think "Is this really what I want? Do I want to eat this crap?" and the answer is no.
So after a weekend of highs, I'm feeling nervous and anxious and have been faced with the old thoughts...
"Marianne, you did so well on the weekend! You DID a triathlon...but you are feeling like s**t...so go and eat...come on, do it."
I'm not going to do it.
I don't feel like doing anything today...and had no idea what I was going to eat for lunch...debating with my angel and devil again. Thank God for my beautiful daughter. She wanted to cook something (she turns 4 next week), so I helped her make lunch...
She made us bacon and egg sandwiches...with english spinach on mine. She had sliced bread on hers, I had a Helga's Sandwich Thin. It tasted great...was very filling...and only 6PP (226 calories). She saved me from doing something I know I would have regretted.
Going swimming training tonight...then off to bed early...it's a school day for me tomorrow :(
Wish me luck.
