A funny mood...and lunch...

Image via HERE.

As most of you would know, I competed in my first triathlon on Saturday. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and can't really put into words the high that I felt when I crossed the finish line.

...You see, I achieved something I never thought I would. I've wanted to compete in the Triathlon Pink for a few years, but never had the courage to give it a go. This year, I've shed 10kg, but I've gone through a tough time emotionally. I've had two miscarriages within 6 months, the last being only five and a half weeks ago. When I came out of surgery on the 31st of August, I was sore...sad...and never in my wildest dreams thought that I'd be strong enough to compete in a triathlon.

When I miscarried in February this year, I turned to food, which lead me to gain weight and stand at my heaviest (non pregnant) = 80.7kg. After my miscarriage just over five weeks ago, I've turned to exercise and blogging to cope. I knew I could either deal with my emotions with food (like I always have) and gain all the weight I've worked so hard to shed in the last few months, or stop the vicious cycle of emotional eating.

...and that's what I did.

I no longer search for food if I'm feeling down...I'll go for a walk, do an exercise session in my home-gym or come here and blog.

And that's why I'm here right now. I'm in a funny mood today. I don't feel like doing anything...there is a list of things a mile long that I should be doing but I'm avoiding all of them.

I should be programming for school, I should be doing my units for my graphic design course, I should be cleaning the house, I should prepare dinner as I'm tutoring tonight...but I don't want to do any of it.

Why am I in my funny mood?...

I return to work tomorrow after 7 weeks leave...and I'm s**t scared. I don't want to be asked questions about where I've been and what happened. I haven't been there in so long, and with only working there one day a week, I feel like a fish out of water. I miss the kids like crazy and am so excited to see them, but I'm not looking forward to seeing the staff. I don't want to talk about what happened and I just want to stay home in my protective bubble.

Image via HERE.

These feelings of anxiety have pulled at my emotional strings. I've found myself in the pantry the last few days and I stare inside at the contents. I've had the little devil on one shoulder saying "eat, eat" and the little angel on the other saying "don't do it, don't do it". I'm pleased to say that I've listened to the angel each time I've found myself inside the pantry but it's funny how my mind is trying to go back to the way I used to deal with things.

The funny thing is, there is quite a bit of 'junk' in the pantry at the moment. Not the usual contents. When I've been looking at all the stuff, it's not appealing. In the past, I would have ripped through it all and wouldn't have stopped for a moment to think what I was doing. Now I analyse...I think "Is this really what I want? Do I want to eat this crap?" and the answer is no.

So after a weekend of highs, I'm feeling nervous and anxious and have been faced with the old thoughts...

"Marianne, you did so well on the weekend! You DID a triathlon...but you are feeling like s**t...so go and eat...come on, do it."

I'm not going to do it.

I don't feel like doing anything today...and had no idea what I was going to eat for lunch...debating with my angel and devil again. Thank God for my beautiful daughter. She wanted to cook something (she turns 4 next week), so I helped her make lunch...

She made us bacon and egg sandwiches...with english spinach on mine. She had sliced bread on hers, I had a Helga's Sandwich Thin. It tasted great...was very filling...and only 6PP (226 calories). She saved me from doing something I know I would have regretted.

Going swimming training tonight...then off to bed early...it's a school day for me tomorrow :(

Wish me luck.

My transformation so far...

In June this year, I was obese and extremely unhappy. I let my emotions rule what went into my mouth and let my 'emotional eating' be my number one reason why I couldn't lose weight. I was the biggest I had been (non-pregnant) and knew that if I didn't get my act together the scales were going to continually rise.

I was committed and determined to get myself healthy. I began to eat cleanly, track and exercise fiercely. I knew what I had to do and I just did it. The journey this time has been different.

Why?

I have stopped emotional eating.

I'm not letting my emotions dictate what goes into my mouth. My emotions have had a battering the last few weeks but instead of heading to the pantry, I head to my homy gym. I'll jump on the treadmill and walk my worries away.

We celebrated my sister's 21st birthday Saturday night. I hosted the party at my house and had over 70 people here. It was a black,white and red theme and I loved the outfit I chose. I felt confident in my own skin and had a brilliant night. I received so many compliments from my family and friends on how well I'm looking. I feel good on the inside and I think that it shows on the outside.

I put together a slide show for my sister's party and I was shocked to see how I looked just over 3 months ago. I looked big, frumpy and old. I now feel confident, healthy and in control.

Sunday 10th June 2012 - Saturday 22nd September 2012

I'm only half-way in my journey and still have close to 12kg to shed. But this time I realise it's not the end that is important, it's the journey.

My mindset lesson

The Weekly Surprise for week 6 is all about designing our own mindset lesson, based on what we have learnt since starting 12WBT.

The biggest change I've made over the last 6 weeks is how I think about food. I no longer associate my feelings with food. I've broken the cycle and I no longer think the way I did.

My mindset lesson is titled...

{Changing your thoughts towards food}

How do you think about food...is it your friend, your enemy or simply fuel?

Self Sabotage

I watched Michelle's Week 4 video this morning and thought I'd create a little vlog in response to the topic...self sabotage.

Do you consider yourself to be a self saboteur?

12WBT Blogger Challenge: Week 3

This week's blogger challenge is all about motivation...

What motivates you? 

What drives you to be a better version of yourself? 

What is making you just get up early with no excuses and just getting 

out there getting your workout done and eating healthy meals?

What makes you push that little bit harder?

Image via HERE.

The quote above describes my mindset this round. I'm just so tired of starting over, that this time I am DETERMINED to reach my goals. 

I'm amazed at how different I've been feeling over the last three weeks...and I don't just mean physically, I mean mentally. My motivation to start was quite different, but my motivation to continue is that I'm...

Image via HERE.

 I can smell it and I can taste it...and I want it! I want to succeed and I want to achieve! I'm focused and determined...and that's why I get up to train at 5:30am each morning and my nutrition is top notch. I used to give in to my emotions and I would binge...but that is not happening now. I'm working hard and I'm proud of my achievements...I want to continue and nothing is going to stand in my way!

Image via HERE.

What is your motivation? What are you hungry for?

Excuses, excuses!

Image via HERE.

Michelle Bridges 12WBT Pre-Season is well underway and it is a time to prepare our bodies and most importantly our minds for the upcoming 12 weeks.

We all make excuses to avoid the task at hand, and I certainly use a lot of them!  I need to take responsibility for myself, and most importantly the way I think.

The excuses I use most often are:

Internal excuses...
- I'm too stressed and emotional.
- I'm too tired.
- I'm just over it...maybe this is the way I'm meant to be.
- I couldn't be bothered trying anymore because I always fail.

My solutions:
- Write about how I'm feeling. Don't let my emotions sabotage my efforts.
- Go to bed earlier so that I wake up feeling refreshed.
- I will succeed because I believe in myself and this program.
- Learn from my mistakes. Plan ahead to be successful.

External excuses...
- It's too cold to get out of bed.
- I'm too busy.
- Alfie is away and I've got no support.

My solutions:
- Wear layers of workout clothes, so I am warm when I wake up.
- Get up earlier and workout first thing in the morning.
- Plan ahead and schedule workouts/nutrition.

Outside my control...
- My allergies and asthma are playing up, and there is no way I can exercise feeling like this.

My solutions:
- Ensure nutrition plan is being followed and rest up.

What is your biggest excuse? 
What will you do to nip it in the butt?

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

Image via HERE.

This quote by Norman Vincent Peale resonates with me, especially after a day of not so fantastic eating!

My weight issues are primarily due to my mindset and the fact that I succumb to my emotions 95% of the time. Whether it be a stressful day at work or at home, or whether I'm upset, angry, bored etc... I console, reward, and even punish myself with food.

Today my head was rebelling against my heart.

I want with all my heart to become a healthier and fitter person. My mind, on the other hand, wants me to fail. At every opportunity negative self-talk invades my mind...
- "You won't achieve this."
- "You can't do this."
- "What's the point...you're only going to fail."
- "Eat this, you know you want to."

My major battle is going to be changing my mindset, not just for 12 weeks, but for good.

This is the battle I have always had. I got so close to my goal at the end of the 12WBT Round 2, 2011...and the closer I got, the more I was sabotaging my efforts. I allowed my mind to win over my heart. This has happened so many times and I'm just so tired. My heart needs to win the battle this time...for once and for good.

I look forward to completing the Mindset lessons...as these will be the key to my success.

What do you see as your biggest challenge this round?