The hardest post I've had to write...

I haven't posted in over a month and so much has happened in that time.

I should have been in Perth tonight, partying hard with the SWSyd girls at the Round 2 12WBT finale but unfortunately am unable to travel. I thought tonight was the best time to reflect on the last few weeks and share with you what has been happening.

So here goes...

During Week 8, I found out I was expecting. I was extremely excited, but nervous as I had had a miscarriage in February this year and hoped that history wouldn't be repeated.

I eased off the exercise, but continued to eat really well. I felt fantastic...but extremely tired! My blogging fell behind, as all I wanted to do was sleep...I was so exhausted and would be in bed by 8:30pm most nights.

I hit 6 weeks and was relieved...I had gone past the dreaded 5 weeks...where I miscarried last time.

I continued to walk most days and stuck to my healthy eating. I felt fantastic and on Monday 20th August I had a dating ultrasound (I was 8 weeks pregnant). Our little jellybean was doing well...a great size and had a strong heartbeat.

My precious little one

We were so excited and told our two gorgeous girls. They were going to be big sisters and were very happy. Life was great...

...that was until I woke up the very next morning.

I was bleeding and I broke down. I went straight to my GP and she took bloods. They raced through the results and told me that my HCG levels were great...not to panic and to have bed rest. So that's what I did. I tried to stay as calm as possible and rested. It got to Thursday (23rd Aug) and I was still bleeding. I rang my obstetrician and explained what was happening. He brought my appointment forward and I saw him on Monday (27th Aug). He examined me and performed another ultrasound...he could still see the baby and heartbeat. Even though I was relieved to hear this news, I was still extremely worried. I was still bleeding and the baby's growth had slowed down. I was instructed to continue on bed rest and was to return on Thursday (30th Aug).

Thursday morning came and back to my obstetrician we went. I walked in and the first words I said were "I'm still bleeding". He performed another ultrasound and explained that he could see the baby, but couldn't get a good picture of the heartbeat. I was sent for further ultrasounds and my worst fears were confirmed...at 10 weeks pregnant, my baby's little heart had stopped beating.

I was booked in for surgery the very next day (being last Friday). I came out of theatre and was in recovery for two hours. When they moved me back into the day surgery ward, my blood pressure dropped really low. I had absolutely no energy and just wanted to sleep, but the nurses brought me some food to eat, to try and get my blood pressure back to normal. It stayed quite low for the remainder of the day but I was allowed to go home.

We were devastated...and the hardest thing was telling our girls. My family have been so beautiful and extremely supportive. My hubby, my mum and dad have been amazing. They knew when I needed a cuddle, a shoulder to cry on and dropped everything to make sure I was ok. They shared school drop-off and pick ups and looked after our girls whilst I was on bed rest. I love them all so much.

I was in a lot of pain last weekend (both physically and mentally). I didn't do much for the first few days after surgery...I was just totally exhausted. I'm feeling a lot better this weekend (and have even managed a few walks on the treadmill)...but I'm STILL bleeding...19 days now. I'm over it. I just want the bleeding to stop. I see my obstetrician for my post-op appointment this Thursday. Hopefully he has some test results and can shed some light on what caused the miscarriage.

I want to thank three special SWSyd ladies who have been so supportive over the last few weeks. To Carly, Jayne and especially my gorgeous Rose...thank you for your words of encouragement and your prayers. Your messages really helped me through this difficult time and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So to reflect on Round 2...
I am so proud of my achievements.
- I managed to shed 7.8kgs and maintained (and even had a few small loses) during my pregnancy.
- My fitness increased...and I even ran 3km without stopping.
- I've lost heaps of centimetres from my body and am starting to like what I see.
- I was in the top 15% of Round 2.
- I made some amazing friends...and love our SWSyd Crew.
- And my biggest  achievement...I beat emotional eating. Through everything that has happened, I have not had one binge. I have not had the urge to turn to food...and that is just mind blowing! I'm in control of my emotions and I'm not letting them rule me.

So, where to from here?
I missed Round 3 registration, so am unofficially doing 12WBT this round. I have decided to not count calories, but to go back to counting my ProPoints (Weight Watchers). I've counted points for the last 12 years (so it's kind of embedded in my brain!!!). I enjoyed the break that counting calories gave me, but I'm a true WW at heart and just feel more comfortable with the points system.

As soon as I get the all clear next week, I'm going to start training again. I'm going to follow the 12WBT Intermediate exercise plan and look forward to running again...did I actually just say that?!! I really want to participate in our SWSyd group workouts and events this round (as I missed out on all of them last round due to illness and then the pregnancy).

I hope to fall pregnant again in the future and pray that everything goes well. For now, I'm giving myself a few months break. We've been trying to conceive since November last year and have had two miscarriages within 6 months. I emotionally need a break. I want to concentrate on my health and my weight-loss journey. I am determined get to my goal weight by the end of the year. I know that I can do it...I've overcome my biggest hurdle...emotional eating...and know that with the amazing support from my family, our SWSyd Crew...and my two little angels...I will get there.